One day, not too long ago, I came into the understanding that the family I was birthed into is solely connected as a result of trauma and drama. You may be asking “what does that mean” at this moment, and I am sure this question is from a space of curiosity… wanting to know what that looks like for me. Well…allow me to explain.
About 95 percent of the conversations had with my parents and the one brother I can talk to (the other is Autistic) revolve around something that is happening to them. These situations are dysfunctional, they are always and emergency, and the outcome is never a solution. I have no idea what families should talk about. What would a general conversation be? Whatever it would be, I am sure it wouldn’t last past five to ten minutes.
Me coming to this “aha” moment of realization is important because I have one parent that is bamboozled as to why I operate from a distance. This same person feels (and may even be convinced) that I do not care about anything and tries to guilt trip me as a result.
The realization of the “trauma/drama bond” freed me from the guilt and entanglement of not wanting to deal with negativity on a constant basis that is self inflicted and perpetual, while simultaneously feeling semi bad for not engaging. I do want to make myself clear… my brother is cool. He does have his personal web of perpetual hell, but for the most part, he isn’t one to “intentionally” involve others in his mess. It just pans out that way, but he isn’t the initiator. I will leave that there out of respect for my brother and my brother only.
It took me a LONG time to realize that my shoulders aren’t broad enough…or strong enough… to constantly carry the problems of others period. Even if the people are my family. I make sure that I try my hardest not to be a bother or burden to others. Believe it or not, that has its drawbacks too.
Today, a parent of mine called me and was telling me about some drama that is currently in motion with another one of us. Of course, the conversation took a turn, ending with the expressed sentiment of the lack of care and concern I have for the parent. My response was nothing because I felt nothing. The parent became emotional and decided to end the conversation and I was cool with it.
The reason behind me being cool with it is because, I cannot change the root of the issue. It is for the parent to do. With experience, I have learned that you cannot change anyone. They have to want to change or see the true issue, and the issue is deep rooted. The issue was alive even before I was birthed onto this planet. Both my paternal and maternal side have different…but equally complicated generational blockages. The blockages remain in tact, perpetuated by active and willing participants, that must not have enough mirrors in their home. I will submit that these issues aren’t malicious. However, the lack of self reflection and self righteousness play a heavy part.
I love my parents but the truth is, if I met every emotional or physical need they desired from me, it wouldn’t solve the root of the issue. It would leave me exhausted, angry, and drained. As I type this, I am morphing into a Carebear.
I’m being vague and giving grace in attempt to be respectful. This post isn’t to hurt anyone. The intention behind this post is to be transparent with the hopes that someone who needs this will have their “aha” moment too.
What I am attempting to tell you is that I have been a therapist and an emotional support animal since the age of eight. I would have to go outside of my home to get what I needed and I am grateful to those who stood in the gap. Different individuals have literally come in and out of my life, that I believe were divinely sent, just to extend their hand and usher me to a point throughout my journey. Even with that, I have always tried not to be a burden. Even though, I know, I have had times where I have leaned on someone more than I wanted to. Believe me, I have repaid those acts in actions toward others throughout this journey too.
This is not something I hold against my parents. They have their own life and path of evolvement too. No one incarnated into a persona of perfection and all knowing. With knowing this, I still have a right to set the boundaries I see fit…even when they are misunderstood.
Of course, there is more that could be said but, I will end it here. My hope is that this read was helpful or… at least some form of entertainment.